Just when you think you have your little one figured out, she changes! Even though your child did not come with a manual or a reset button, there are suggestions for toddler discipline. These "commandments" come from the book Toddler 411 by Denise Fields and Ari Brown, M.D.
1. Use a prevent defense. Apologies for the football cliche, but this one is easy. Make your house kid friendly and be realistic about your expectations. If you take your Swarovski crystal figurine collection off the coffee table, your toddler won't be tempted to fling it at the TV set. If the family is eating out, go early so you won't have to wait for a table.
2. Don't back down to avoid conflict. We all hate conflict. No one wants to be the party pooper. But you cannot give in merely to avoid having a showdown in the grocery store aisle. If you decide that your child cannot have the sugar-coated cereal he saw on TV, stick to your guns. Later you'll be happy you did.
3. Anticipate conflicts. There are certain times of the day and certain events that are always going to bring about bad behaviors. Prime suspect #1: transitions from one activity to the next (going to bed, stopping play to eat dinner, etc.). Give your child a head's up so she is more prepared to make a transition. "Five minutes and we will be having dinner, Boo Boo."
4. Anticipate attention-seeking behavior. Yes, your little angel will act up when your attention is diverted (making dinner, talking on the phone, nursing a baby, etc.). Prepare for this by providing your toddler with some entertainment (a favorite toy, a quick snack, etc.). True story: my son ate dog food once while I was answering a patient call. Take home lesson: if you don't provide something for your toddler to do when you are busy, he will . . . and the results may not be pretty.
5. Act immediately. Don't wait to discipline your child. He won't remember why he is in trouble more than five minutes after he did the dirty deed.
6. Be consistent. This is the key to any discipline plan. When your child knows what is in store when he pulls on the cat's tail, he will stop doing it. But be aware that it may take numerous "lessons" to eliminate that undesirable behavior.
7. Pick your battles. Saying "No" twenty times a day loses its effectiveness. Prioritize behaviors into large ones, medium ones, and those too insignificant to bother with. In Starbucks terms, there are toddler Venti, Grande, and Tall screw-ups.
8. Make your comments short and sweet. Speak in short sentences such as "No hitting." This is much more effective than, "Chaz, you know it's not nice to hit the dog." Believe us, you lost Chaz right after "you know."
9. Focus on the behavior, not the child. Be sure to state that a particular behavior is bad. NEVER tell your child that HE is bad.
10. Remind your child that you love her. It's always good form to end your discussion with a positive comment. This shows your child you are ready to move on and not dwell on the problem. It also reinforces the reason you are setting limits - because you love her.
11. Don't yell. But change your voice. It's not the volume, but the tone of your voice that gets your point across. Remember The Godfather? He never needed to yell.
12. Show respect. Use active listening and don't interrupt. And whatever you do, don't laugh.
13. Be a good role model. If you are calm under pressure, your child will take the cue. And if you have a temper tantrum when you are upset, expect that your child will do the same. He's watching you, always watching.
14. Catch your child being good. Praising good behavior reduces the amount of attention-seeking bad behavior that you will see. Think of praise as fertilizer for that super-ego.
15. Use age-appropriate and temperament-appropriate techniques. No matter how much advice we give you, you have to tailor it to your own child. And what worked at 15 months won't work when your child is two. He's read your play books and watched the films. You have to adjust your strategy over time.
16. Don't treat your child like an adult. Your child really doesn't want to hear a lecture from you. Nor does he understand it. Much as you would like to have a man-to-man talk, so to speak, it won't work; so don't waste your time or energy. but toddlers do understand consequences. Next time your toddler throws his spaghetti on the wall, don't break into the "You Can't Throw Your Food" lecture. Calmly evict him from the kitchen for the night.
17. Lower your expectations. A lot of parent frustration stems from setting the bar too high. If you expect less from your child, you'll be pleasantly surprised when you get more. (The follow up to this one is the chapter on Developmental Milestones).
18. Take emotion out of the equation. We give kudos to Dr. Thomas Phelan, author of the book, 1-2-3 Magic for pointing out parents' two biggest mistakes: "Too much talking, too much emotion." Your kids enjoy the fight. If your toddler can get you to raise your voice and stomp your feet, he has just won Round One. The less you react and talk during an intervention, the better. (It feels really empowering, by the way, when you don't get sucked in - probably because your blood pressure isn't sky high).
19. Don't negotiate or make false promises. This isn't Capitol Hill, it's your living room. Avoid hearing yourself say, "If you behave, I will buy you that doll you want." We'd never suggest that you resort to this tactic. Otherwise, you'll create a three-year old whose good behavior will always come with a price tag. Think Veruca Salt from Charlie & The Chocolate Factory.
20. Remember to take a step back. Don't get sucked into the vortex. Instead, take a longer view of what is happening. You'll have a better idea of what manipulative behaviors your child is using and get a fresh perspective on how to change your approach.
No comments:
Post a Comment