We work so hard to help our children become more independent - teaching them to walk and communicate and make choices - and what do we get for it? They throw tantrums about where they want to walk and what they want to communicate and the choices they want to make. At that point the job description of parent is expanded to include disciplinarian. Why is toddlerhood such a struggle? Because children are not born with social skills. Parents get the privilege to teach their children social skills and self-discipline. Here are some pointers that most parenting books agree with regarding disciplining toddlers.
1. Reward Good Behavior. A child is more willing to repeat a behavior that is rewarded, whether that behavior is good or bad. Try to reward the good behaviors with praise. You may need to also provide a small, physical reward until the child is able to recognize a sense of accomplishment.
2. Avoid Rewarding Bad Behavior. We don't set out to reward bad behavior, it just seems to happen. When your child tantrums every time you try to make dinner and receives your attention as you yell at him, you are rewarding bad behavior. The same rule applies for rewarding bad behavior as rewarding good behavior. If a behavior receives a reward, the child is more likely to repeat it.
3. Limit Setting. A child doesn't know what is okay and what is off limits if parents don't tell them. Sometimes the limits need to be physical (putting a gate in front of the stairs), but should progress to verbal as the child gets older ("Don't go downstairs, sweetie"). All children want to explore. Setting limits let's them know how far they can go.
4. Active Listening. Who doesn't feel rewarded and confident if they are being listened to? Even children understand when a parent is only pretending to listen by throwing in a few "uh-huh's". Listening and adding to the conversation is a great way to expand a child's vocabulary, reinforce their creative thinking, and increase their willingness to use words to communicate wants and needs, instead of hitting. This strategy is equally important for children who are not yet talking. Watch for communication attempts and reward your child by moving forward with the conversation. "You see a doggie. The doggie says ruff." Your child will be overjoyed that you understood and more willing to try to communicate next time - maybe even verbally!
Of course there are more pointers, but for the little ones, these are the basics that build the foundation of good discipline. The book "Toddler 411" by Denise Fields and Ari Brown, MD, provides a list of "20 Commandments of Toddler Discipline". They are:
1. Use a prevent defense. Set up situations for success, not failure.
2. Don't back down to avoid conflict. Don't give in, no matter who is watching.
3. Anticipate conflicts. Let the child know what is coming and what you expect.
4. Anticpate attention-seeking behaviors. Be prepared with an activity or snack for those times your attention needs to be on something else.
5. Act immediately. Discipline needs to happen as soon as the misdeed is committed.
6. Be consistent. Children learn through repetition. You have to respond the same way all 974 times the child misbehaves.
7. Pick your battles. Not everything requires discipline at the same level.
8. Make your comments short and sweet. Kiddos are too busy to listen to a long explanation of why they need to be soft with the puppy.
9. Focus on the behavior, not the child. The behavior is bad, not the child.
10. Remind your child that you love her. This reinforces the reason you are setting limits and gives her a reason to listen.
11. Don't yell. Change the tone of your voice, but not the volume.
12. Show respect. Use active listening and don't interrupt.
13. Be a good role model. If you are calm under pressure, your child will follow your lead.
14. Catch your child being good. Back to Pointer #1.
15. Use age-appropriate and temperament-appropriate techniques. You have to adjust your strategy between children and over time.
16. Don't treat your child like an adult. Toddlers understand consequences better than they understand a lecture.
17. Lower your expectations. Children develop at their own speed and in their own way. Celebrate the successes and don't lament because he is progressing slower than the little boy down the street.
18. Take emotion out of the equation. Children thrive on emotion because they are getting a reward. The less you talk and react during discipline, the better.
19. Don't negotiate or make false promises. Natural consequences are better teaching strategies than promises.
20. Remember to take a step back. You don't have to respond immediately, especially if emotion is involved. This is not contrary to number 5, you don't want to take too long, but you don't want to make things worse either. Take a breath and determine the best way to approach the problem before you get sucked in.
Discipline now is worth it in the long run. "The seeds of discipline you plant now will blossom later and you will be thankful for the fruits of your labor." (Toddler 411).
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